What a day

To say that things are stressful around here would be an understatement. I've been crying for a few days and I'm tired of it. I actually cried myself to sleep last night and I don't know that I've ever done that, at least not in many, many years.

It has come to my attention that Alli is planning to move in with Boy Wonder. She doesn't love him. She admits that if she wasn't pregnant, they would have no relationship. This just breaks my heart. She expects so little from men in her life. She's much more about the "Mr. Right Now" instead of Mr. Right. At times during our very long, painful conversation tonight, I kind of got the feeling she was moving in with him to spare me some pain. That made no sense. As much as I don't need to be raising a baby at 40, I'd be much better help than Boy Wonder. She would at least have some help. She didn't do the baby phase with Elvis. He was in foster care at that time and I, as his foster parent, took care of the long sleepless nights. I was 35 and had a Master's degree and it was still hard. I can't imagine doing that phase at 20 with a newborn and a special-needs preschooler.

I did get that info that they are planning to rent their own place now instead of moving in with his family. Her only answer to almost every question was "I don't know." How will Elvis get to therapy? What will you do by yourself every day, all day with a baby and Elvis? How will you pay your bills? Can you survive with no cell phone and internet? How will you eat? If I hear, "I don't know" one more time I may go crazy. (Oops, too late.)

Due to her recent aversion to me (barely having any civil conversations, won't stay in the same room with me, disappearing without so much as a "see you later," etc.) I had decided not to go to the ultrasound appointment tomorrow. I took all those as clear signs that she didn't want me to go. She got really angry when I said I was going to stay home and keep Elvis. So, after talking and crying, she says she really wants me to go. I'm going. My mom is going to keep Elvis. This will be my first ultrasound. (How many women who have been a mom to 36 kids can say they have never seen an ultrasound done?)

I'll do my best to post the outcome of the ultrasound tomorrow. All those so inclined, prayers would be appreciated. I'm still praying for a healthy baby as my first priority, but I'd LOVE a granddaughter....