Two grandmothers, one chair

Baby Blair's funeral was just as wrenching as expected. Seeing a coffin that tiny is hard on everyone. Alli's bio family turned out in force, causing an unexpected complication.

The service was graveside. It was 40 degrees so the funeral home had set up a tent with a heater. There were three rows of seats. Alli and Boy Wonder sat in the middle of the front row. Beside him sat his mother and his youngest brother. Beside Alli sat her youngest brother and an empty chair. The chair was empty because no one knew who should sit there - me or bio mom. Talk about awkward! In an odd show of solidarity, bio mom and I ended up standing together in the back of the tent. At the end, the minister was going down the front row, consoling each family member individually. He talked to Alli once, continued down the row, and then went back to her. I saw him looking in my our direction but still didn't think anything about it. He walked towards me and asked if I was Alli's mother. I froze. If bio mom hadn't been there, I'd have said, absolutely. I just didn't feel I could say that with her standing right beside me. Obviously, Alli had sent him to me. After an awkward pause, I said yes and he hugged me and told me he was sorry for my loss. I was instantly ashamed of myself for not telling him proudly that I was her mom. It wasn't that I was trying to deny my relationship with her I'm just still really uncomfortable with the bio mom. At times I feel her very presence negates my relationship with Alli. I can't let that keep happening. I spent TWO hours with a counselor last night trying to work through those very feelings. It's not going to be easy but I feel better after talking to her and think I'm on my way...maybe. I do know I'm feeling better that I was before talking to her.

Other bio family members tried to be nice, too, but it kind of ticked me off in the process. Separately, 3 different family members came to me and thanked me for taking care of Alli and Beth and telling me "God bless you." Why did this anger me? I wasn't sure at first but I think it's because I felt they were thanking me for taking care of MY kids. I know they meant well and I guess I can appreciate the sentiment. However, they are my kids and, of course I take care of them. No thanks needed. (I have to admit I was tempted to thank the bio dad for NOT taking care of them because that is how they ended up being mine.)