Bittersweet part of Mother's Day

I enjoyed my day with my current family and friends but have to admit, I got kind of down last night after all the fun ended. I've had 33 other kids pass through my home in the last 10 years. I have to admit I was glad when some of them left, but, overall, I miss most of them. I was their "mom-for-a-while." I was not meant to be their "forever mom."

My thoughts last night were mainly with Deb and Cori, the two most recent kiddos to leave. I really wanted to be Cori's mom. I tried hard. In the end, I felt I couldn't meet her needs. She deserved someone better than me. Someone who could give her the attention she needed. I knew she needed to be an only child but there seemed to be no homes for her that would let her in that spot. I tried because I love her. My best just wasn't good enough. I'm torn between being glad I tried and upset because by trying and failing, I was just another adult that disappointed her along the way. No wonder she trusts no one. I probably wouldn't either, in her situation.

Deb has haunted me since she left. I couldn't meet her needs, either. I don't know what she needs. She's ended up in a residential school at 9 because no one else could figure out what she needed either. At least I wasn't alone in that.

Motherhood (either for for-a-while version or the forever version) isn't for the faint of heart. There are times I wonder why in the world I got myself into this. And usually, just when I think I'm absolutely crazy, I look at the faces of some of my past and present kids and I remember why I do this. They just need someone - anyone - who cares. I'm not perfect. I can't save the world. I can do my part, though. It doesn't always turn out the way I want it to. I've got to learn to accept that. It's hard but it's the only way I'm going to survive.

I have a quote taped by my computer monitor. It's from Franklin Graham. "You can't help everybody, but you can help a few. It's that few that God will hold us accountable for." As I deal with each child and their...eccentricities I try to keep that in mind. In the end, I have to believe it was worth it.