I got a letter from Cori today. She'd evidently tried to call me a few times while we were gone and I didn't answer so she decided to blast me old school style.
The first page is pleasant. Nothing has changed in her new foster home. She blew all her allowance on getting her hair cut because she needed a change. They've found a possible adoptive home for her, still in our state but a couple of hours away. Her bio sister's foster mom is bringing her sister to visit their grandmother and she hopes to be able to see her sister while she's here. She misses her sisters. Just the stuff she usually tells me about on the phone. (Actually, she did tell me all that on the phone yesterday.) Anyway, page 2 of the letter got a little nastier. I'll just quote rather than attempt to paraphrase. All spelling and grammatical errors are hers, not mine.
"I don't Really know why you're not answering your phone, but it's all good. I'm not getting my hopes up for a reply to this letter, don't worry. But I jus wanted to let you know that I love u very much.& I always will no matter what happens. And, from the first time I said it until the end of Eternity I will say: you are like my mom. You have changed my life. I will remember u forever! I love u!
P.S. your not 'just another person' that let me down. No. your someone I loved, trusted, & respected that let me down. there is a BIG (underlined 4 times) difference."
Do I answer this? Well, obviously, I will answer. Since I talked to her yesterday, I've already discussed all the first page events with her. I'm not sure how to answer the second page, specifically the P.S. part. I don't want to sound defensive in my reply to her. I didn't make the call to have her moved. She initiated the move. And, as evidenced by her behavior here, I'm NOT the best parent for her. Despite my best efforts, she continued to cut herself, fail in school, and not be able to participate in the most basic family interactions in a positive manner. She has a right to feel the way she does. I have the right to feel the way I do. It doesn't necessarily make one of us right and the other wrong. I do hate that she feels that way. I can only hope as she matures a bit she'll be able to see I tried.
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Years of living with kids from the foster care system have made me a little nuts. Despite having adopted some kids, they constantly remind me, in so many little subversive ways, that I'm not the REAL momma and I never will be, no matter how hard I try.
About Me
Meet the Family
- Alli - 23 year old daughter. She came to me at 15 as an emergency foster placement. She had a 2 month old micro-preemie son at the time.
- Baby Blair - Daughter of Alli. Born at 21 weeks gestation, she lived just minutes but has had a huge impact on all our lives.
- Beth - 20 year old daugher. Bio sister of Alli. She came to me about a month before her 14th birthday. I legally adopted her when she was sixteen.
- Boy Wonder - 26 year old son-in-law (husband of Alli). He is the father of Baby Blair and Miss Piggy.
- Cori - 18 year old former foster daughter. I've been in and out of her life since she was 9. She was recently adopted by a family that lives far away but I still hear from her on a semi-regular basis.
- Elvis - My 7 year old grandson. Alli's son. He was born at 26 weeks gestation and spent 4 months in NICU. At 6, he's non-verbal, doesn't walk, and his arms don't work well, either. Despite all that, he's AWESOME!
- Me - 42 year old single foster/adoptive mom. I teach school by day and deal with my wonderful, wacky (wacko?) family in my off-hours.
- Miss Piggy - Daughter of Alli and Boy Wonder. She was born July 1, 2009. She's walking everywhere and loves to dance. Lately, she's really gotten into dolls, saying "Baby!" whenever she sees one.
- Spider-Pig - 21 year old boyfriend of Beth. He's lasted longer than most of her other boyfriends added together. We'll see where this relationship goes. (Thanks to Mongoose for giving him his blog name. He'd love it, I'm sure.)
- SpiderPiglet - 8 month old daughter of Beth and SpiderPig. She's cute as a button and starting to get really mobile.
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3 comments:
I think her "attack" is a poor way of telling you she needs to hear that you love her and will always care about her, even though she isn't living with you. Actually going into a more detailed response probably won't resolve anything.
- April in RI
It sounds like she initiated the move because you let her down (in here own mind) and wants to remind you of that. As if you were supposed to beg for another chance? I'm sure in her very muddled mind she thinks this is making her the bigger person, but keep in mind that she's a kid, she's deluded, and has proven over and over that she has no idea what she really wants or how to go about getting it if she did. Maybe you could give her a response that would provide closure for you, and her so she can move on to another placement and another fresh start.
Me? I'd ignore the attack. Write an ever so loving letter letting her know just how much love she's missing (her choice) and how much fun she's missing (the pool, the traditions she knows - again, her choice) closing the letter with statements with how much you regret that you weren't there for her calls but you were on vacation - memories of when she was there with you on vacation - and perhaps you can chat again later. And seal it with a kiss...
You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
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