Ok, deep breath...blog

I'm alive. Things are oddly pleasant here in the house. We've not spoken of the pregnancy out loud. Our "conversations" have been via text. Somehow, putting voice to the conversations seems to be impossible. It will happen, of course, just not yet. If I ever doubted that I have secondary PTSD from living with traumatized children, this event erases all doubts. I'm seriously having flashbacks to this exact time last year. I still have clue as to the due date. I've asked no questions...except those related to my concerns about the timing of this pregnancy.

You'll remember that just last week I posted that Alli was likely going to get a long-term sub job at my school. She did, in fact, get that job. I also am 99.99% sure she got that job as a favor to me. I think my principal and our wonderful office staff were trying to help me out. Not that Alli doesn't deserve the job. It's as an educational assistant in a preschool special-ed classroom. She's good with the kids and works well with the teacher and other assistant in the room. I do think that there was at least one sub who has been there longer and would have loved to have the job, too. She got the job legally and, in a non-pregnant state would have been perfect for it. Therein lies the problem - her pregnant state.

Alli's history with pregnancies is full of complications. Elvis was born at 26 weeks. The cause of his early arrival is unknown as she was a young teenager with no prenatal care. Baby Blair was born at 21 weeks, again, cause unknown but she did have regular prenatal care with her and was 20. For whatever reason, she started dilating early. The loss of Blair was followed last June by the conception and really early loss of yet another baby. (I refer to that one as "Waldo" because they could never find him/her on ultrasound. It was like they were playing some freakish Where's Waldo game in her uterus every week.) She did visit a specialist and they discovered that she is low on progesterone and folic acid and they felt that was part of her problem with carrying babies to term. That situation has been remedied with supplements.

So here we sit with her employed in a job that requires the frequent lifting/chasing/caring for children with assorted special needs. I really feel, with her pregnancy history, she's going to be put on bed rest, probably sooner than later. That will, again, leave this class of young, special-needs kids who thrive on order and routine, without a trusted care-giver. And, in my world, that will be all my fault because I helped her get the job. Argh. I really think that is my biggest issue with this baby. I knew this was coming. Truthfully, I was surprised it hadn't happened earlier.

Other than the job issue, my only other issue with this baby is the fact that they are purposefully having a baby without having the means to support that baby. As I type this, Boy Wonder has been unemployed since May. Alli hasn't worked in over a year. She has a temporary job, which may be even more temporary that we'd all like. None of them have private insurance. Alli, obviously, is on our state's version of Medicaid. They are in exactly the same situation as last year with the conception of Baby Blair, except they are married. However, I could excuse the conception of Blair as an "Oops." This baby was no oops. They have deliberately decided to create a child they can't support. That makes me sad. Sad for the baby who is coming into a life that will be harder than it should be. Sad for me who will have to watch them struggle and be able to do nothing about it. Sad for Elvis who already has too little "momma-time" and he's going to be pushed out even more. And sad for Alli and BW because they have no idea of what they are getting themselves into. Raising babies takes maturity and money. They aren't ready in either way.