Granny's funeral

I had to wait and get Blair's anniversary over before I could recap the funeral of the girls' bio grandmother. It was definitely one of the more unusual funerals I've ever attended but I'm sooo glad I went.

This set of grandparents (the parents of Alli and Beth's bio father) are members of a church with very different practices than those I've grown up with in a Southern Baptist church. This funeral was quite unlike any I've ever attended. The minister, the husband of one of my girls' bio aunts, let us know from the very beginning that this wasn't going to be a regular funeral. He said we were there to "have church," just like Granny would have wanted. And have church we did! There was a mini-choir, a few hymns, a sermon, and even...what's the word I'm looking for...an alter call or an invitation at the end. While some of the practices were not what I was used to (speaking in tongues, etc.), the whole service was a tribute to Granny who became a Christian as an young adult and did her best to make the world a better place.

The funeral was a little reminder to me to not be so judgemental. Years of fostering has conditioned me to believe the worst of bio families. I know all about the girls' bio father and one of his brothers. Both are interesting characters - generally much more interested in what they can get from people instead of how they can help others. Between those two brothers, they have six children. I've been directly involved in meeting some basic needs of five of those six children.

Three of them have been placed with me in foster care. (I've adopted two of those.) Cousin It (daughter of the girls' uncle) stayed with us for 2 months because her father went out of town for some kind of job and left her home alone at age 16 in a dangerous neighborhood. Cousin It's sister gave birth unexpectedly last fall and I bought her a car seat and a few other necessities. That leaves only one child of the six that I haven't been involved in caring for in some way. (And he was already placed in a kinship foster home when I got Alli. He's been around our house to swim a few times and we catch up when we run into each other in public. I haven't seen him in a few months but he went out of his way to catch my eye at the funeral home and wave to me.)

Because those are the two siblings I have frequent, sustained contact with, it's all too easy for me to base my thoughts on the whole family on just what I see from them. However, I forget that there are 4 other siblings. The others seem to be just regular, middle of the road folks. They are productive adults, have raised their kids well, and do the right thing.

The grandparents certainly didn't raise these two sons to break the law and treat their families the way they did. They were undoubtedly just as appalled as I am when I hear about some of the things these two sons choose to get into. Not only appalled but ashamed and embarrassed, too. Bless their hearts, I'm sure they did their best.

And, how dare I base my opinions on the whole family based on my observations of the two black sheep of the group! Again, I'm so glad I went to this funeral. I needed the wake up call it provided. It was one of those, "There, but for the grace of God, go I," moments. Raising these girls has been hard! I seem to rarely agree with many of the choices they make. However, the choices they make and the consequences they live with from those choices is not an indicator of my success or failure as a parent. Just like the preacher at the funeral said that Granny's heart was broken many times by the actions of some of her children and grandchildren. All parents can do is their best. Then, it becomes the child's responsibility to deal with the consequences of their own actions.

Before I was called about the initial foster placement of the 3 different siblings (Alli, then over a year later, Beth, followed by Little Brother more than another year later), DCS called these grandparents and asked if they would be willing to take them in. They, obviously, said no. At that time, I wondered how in the world grandparents could refuse to take their own grandchildren in.

It didn't take me long after watching the bio father in action, to realize that the grandparents made the absolutely best decision for all involved. They loved these kids enough to do what was best for them and get them away from the negative influences of their bio father. And I'm so thankful they did because if they hadn't made that difficult decision, I would never have met any of them.

So, rest in peace, Granny. Please forgive me for any preconceived notions I might have had about you. Not that you ever needed my approval, but I think you were a wonderful grandmother to my girls!