Emotionally raw

Alli and Beth's little sister (almost 6, living with their bio mom) is coming to spend the day with us tomorrow. She's done it a few times before. It's never really bothered me before. For whatever reason, I'm having a really hard time with this visit. Hard enough that I'm actually planning to go to school and work in my classroom, just to have an excuse to not be here.

Why these feelings? Why this time and not the others? I don't know. I've had limited contact with the girls' bio mom over the years. Alli, in particular, seemed to have a lot of anger directed at bio mom. Then, just over a year ago, they became best friends. This hurt my feelings horribly but I dealt with it as best I could. I didn't have any direct contact with bio mom but hearing Alli say, "Mom says this..." or "Mom did that.." was like a knife straight to my heart. Sometime over the previous four years, I'd let myself believe that I'd become her mom. Reality bites. However, we drifted along in semi-peace. My feelings were hurt on numerous occasions but I kept quiet and moved on.

Then came Blair. Suddenly the absent bio mom was at the hospital, playing the role of dedicated mom and grandmother-to-be. She even dared to thank me for being there for her girls when she couldn't. If she's just stopped there... Instead, she continued by telling me that she had her life together now and she was ready to be their mom again. To say my feelings were hurt would be a huge understatement. I never told either girl about the conversation. I didn't see the point.

The whole hospitalization resulting in Blair's birth and death was the hardest thing I've ever been through. I stayed awake for well over 60 hours before falling asleep on the tile floor of her hospital room. I anticipated and tended to her every need. I held her hand while she delivered her daughter. I held Baby Blair while she died. Alli's first words to me after the nurses took Blair to clean her up? "Will you call my momma?" I'm surprised I was still breathing after that. I did as I was asked, though.

In the months since, every time I hear Alli say "momma" it's caused me a little more pain each time. That woman is soooooo far from my definition of a mom. Moms can't just be moms when it's convenient. Moms can't say that they don't feel like taking care of their kids. Moms can't put their own needs before the needs of their kids. At least that is what I've always believed. And now, I know I was wrong.

No matter what I do for Alli -No matter what I give to Alli - No matter how often or how much I help Alli, I will never be her mom. And that hurts like you would never believe. When she texted me yesterday that she was watching Little Sister on Saturday, I started crying. Today, she was telling me, "Momma says (Little Sister) is so excited to come tomorrow." I realized by reaction to that statement that I needed to not be here tomorrow.

So, I'm letting myself be chased from my own house tomorrow. I'm a little angry and bitter but feel it's the best decision for ME. Maybe it's time to take my needs into consideration a little more often. I need to stop putting myself into the position to get hurt and used.

Okay, my whiny, sniveling little "momma-rant" is over. Again, some days this parenting stuff (even my obviously fake-parenting stuff) just STINKS. I'm off to snuggle with Elvis and read him as many books as he wants. At least he's happy to see me most days.

Peace. (God knows I need some peace in my life.)