OK, it's the day after Alli's wedding. It's time to get back into life. I slept later today than I have the whole break. Of course, I was up playing the Wii at 2:00 this morning, so I'm no better rested but the day did start later. Beth is off with her bad-influence friend for a few minutes this afternoon. The friend is leaving tonight for her dad's out of state and I'm looking forward a few days without the female version of Rebel Without a Cause being in or around my house. It'll be nice to have Beth back for a few days. Cori is super-excited about her birthday tomorrow. That means the happy voices are talking in her head. That's a nice change, too.
Alli and Boy Wonder are headed home tomorrow. Beth and I are considering an April Fool's Day surprise for them. We're thinking we might cover every available surface of Alli's room (now "their" room, I guess) with Silly String. It might release a little stress to spray the stuff everywhere and it will be really, really funny.
I don't think I've addressed what our living situation will be now. Alli's room is huge. When the house was built, it was a two-car garage. The original owners converted it to an mother-in-law apartment for one of their mothers when she could no longer live alone. It's at the far end of the house from the rest of our bedrooms. You walk through our laundry room to access it from inside the house. Adjacent to her room is a room that has no name. It's used mainly for storage - freezer, access to the attic, huge cabinets/peg board storage for tools and pool chemicals. It also has has an outside door. We only use this room to store junk. It has no functional use to us. Beside that is what was a dark room for the original owners. It has a sink with a plywood base under it. Again, we only use this room to store junk that we really just need to toss. So, the plan is that this will become their apartment. The dark room will be the kitchen. (It has a fridge in there. I'll add a microwave and toaster oven for now.) The un-named room will be their "den" with the entrance, a small table and chairs, and maybe a futon down the road. The ginormous bedroom will be the main living area. It's furnished with a decent bedroom suite, two closets, and has the newly remodeled bathroom. Elvis will also share this space. Beth and I are hoping to create him a space of his own in Alli's room. We are trying to figure out some sort of room divider that will afford everyone some privacy but still allow for air flow.
For time being, (until the alcoholic carpenter finishes their bathroom) they will still have to come to our part of the house to use the facilities. After that, I plan on them living in their part and paying their rent on time. Their bathroom is almost done. I repainted it this weekend after the alcoholic carpenter made a few sheet rock repairs. I need to buy the trim and get it painted. I also need to buy the vanity. After he installs those, we'll need the million-dollar plumber to come back install the sink and toilet. And then Alli and Boy Wonder will be on their own.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
I'm a mother-in-law
The only reason I know this is because Alli texted me about 6:00 tonight and said, "You're Boy Wonder's mother-in-law." Gee, thanks for thinking of me, Honey. I did ask if everything went okay and she said it was nice. That's all the details I have of my daughter's wedding - it was nice. I really hope I can get over this. I never imagined this would shake me like this.
My day hasn't been too bad. I stayed busy this morning making lunch. My mom stayed a while after lunch and we chatted and read the paper. I tried to introduce her to the Wii but she said we looked funny playing it. (Thanks, Mom.) Beth came home from her friend's and I'd hoped for some help with Elvis but she napped after lunch. I ended up lying down with him to get him to sleep. I watched the clock the whole afternoon, wondering what Alli was doing. All in all, even though my feelings are hurt, I'm glad today is over. I'm glad I'm upright and able to be semi-social. Tomorrow, I've GOT to get out of the house. I haven't seen any non-family people since Thursday morning. It's time to re-join the real world.
I've also got to do something about Cori's birthday. It's Tuesday and I don't have the first present for her. There are a couple if issues working there. First, my thoughts have been on Alli's wedding and nothing else. Second, I'd planned for Cori to be in respite and I thought I wouldn't need them until the weekend. And, third, I just don't have much extra cash at the moment. My paycheck should go in tonight so I'll be okay but I couldn't do much ahead of time. I guess I'll spend tomorrow doing some online ordering with fast shipping and just tell her things haven't come in yet. I will grab the Tracfone at Wal-Mart tomorrow so she will have it to open on her birthday. That's all she really cares about anyway. She's having a friend spend the night on her birthday and is very excited about that. She wants a cheesecake instead of a birthday cake so we didn't have to order that. I'll pull off a decent celebration. I always do. I'm just usually a little better prepared than I am this time.
My day hasn't been too bad. I stayed busy this morning making lunch. My mom stayed a while after lunch and we chatted and read the paper. I tried to introduce her to the Wii but she said we looked funny playing it. (Thanks, Mom.) Beth came home from her friend's and I'd hoped for some help with Elvis but she napped after lunch. I ended up lying down with him to get him to sleep. I watched the clock the whole afternoon, wondering what Alli was doing. All in all, even though my feelings are hurt, I'm glad today is over. I'm glad I'm upright and able to be semi-social. Tomorrow, I've GOT to get out of the house. I haven't seen any non-family people since Thursday morning. It's time to re-join the real world.
I've also got to do something about Cori's birthday. It's Tuesday and I don't have the first present for her. There are a couple if issues working there. First, my thoughts have been on Alli's wedding and nothing else. Second, I'd planned for Cori to be in respite and I thought I wouldn't need them until the weekend. And, third, I just don't have much extra cash at the moment. My paycheck should go in tonight so I'll be okay but I couldn't do much ahead of time. I guess I'll spend tomorrow doing some online ordering with fast shipping and just tell her things haven't come in yet. I will grab the Tracfone at Wal-Mart tomorrow so she will have it to open on her birthday. That's all she really cares about anyway. She's having a friend spend the night on her birthday and is very excited about that. She wants a cheesecake instead of a birthday cake so we didn't have to order that. I'll pull off a decent celebration. I always do. I'm just usually a little better prepared than I am this time.
My night
Elvis wouldn't go to sleep. Cori kept turning her music up too loud. I got snippy (via text) with Beth. I was aggravated with all of them and it really had nothing to do with them.
Elvis finally passed out about 11:00 PM. I ignored Cori's music. I apologized to Beth. I haven't slept a wink.
I'm up this morning. I plan to shower and put on makeup. I've got lunch in the crockpot. I have unloaded and re-loaded the dishwasher. I need to run to the store for a few necessities. Mom is coming for lunch at 11:30. I'm going to play lots of Wii. (It IS addictive.) I am going to get through this day. It's not the end of the world. However, it is the end of a dream and I've got to deal with that.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
1888 Days
Alli has been with me approximately 1,888 days. Today is the first of those days that I haven't spoken a word to her. Obviously, if I've taken the time to add that up, I need to find a hobby.
Aside from a few teary episodes, I've been okay today. Beth is staying with a friend again so that leaves me as sole caretaker for Elvis. He is missing his mom and his Aunt Beth so we've been teary together a few times today.
I've primed and painted the new bathroom. It's swimming pool blue. I need some work at looking at paint chips and deciding what they will look like in real life on my wall. Actually, it's not too bad and, since it's Alli's bathroom, I don't have to look at it. I haven't made much progress on my bathroom. I took the light fixture down yesterday to remove the wallpaper that was behind it. Today has been a grey and stormy day and I couldn't really see what I was doing in there.
I've also moved the Wii into my den and Cori helped me make myself a Mii. I've bowled and played tennis on it so far. I really like it but fear it's going to make my arms hurt. (Those muscles are already tender from all the painting.) It's been a nice, fun distraction though.
My immediate concern is getting through tomorrow. I know I'll spend the whole day wondering what Alli is doing - putting on her dress, fixing her hair, etc., and wishing I was there. I've invited my mom to lunch tomorrow thinking that will distract me a bit.
Aside from a few teary episodes, I've been okay today. Beth is staying with a friend again so that leaves me as sole caretaker for Elvis. He is missing his mom and his Aunt Beth so we've been teary together a few times today.
I've primed and painted the new bathroom. It's swimming pool blue. I need some work at looking at paint chips and deciding what they will look like in real life on my wall. Actually, it's not too bad and, since it's Alli's bathroom, I don't have to look at it. I haven't made much progress on my bathroom. I took the light fixture down yesterday to remove the wallpaper that was behind it. Today has been a grey and stormy day and I couldn't really see what I was doing in there.
I've also moved the Wii into my den and Cori helped me make myself a Mii. I've bowled and played tennis on it so far. I really like it but fear it's going to make my arms hurt. (Those muscles are already tender from all the painting.) It's been a nice, fun distraction though.
My immediate concern is getting through tomorrow. I know I'll spend the whole day wondering what Alli is doing - putting on her dress, fixing her hair, etc., and wishing I was there. I've invited my mom to lunch tomorrow thinking that will distract me a bit.
A new day
I've survived 25 hours since Alli left. I guess that's good? I'm working on getting my bathroom ready to paint. I hate the prep work. I want to just walk in and start painting. This room is requiring more prep than the others I've painted in the last week. I've actually put off painting it for years. When I moved in, it was wallpapered. Ugly wallpaper, but I left it. A few years back, I just started grabbing loose pieces of it and pulled it almost all the way off. So, for the last several years, it's been in that condition - mostly un-wallpapered but with a few stray pieces left here and there. So, to prep for painting, I'm having to scrape off the paper, sand to remove the leftover paste, and fill the holes and uneven parts of the walls. I worked on it quite a bit yesterday in short bursts. About noon, I had to stop because I was crying too hard to see. That was only true meltdown. I made it through the rest of the day, tearing up sometimes and truly crying some, but still able to continue with what I was working on. Today, I plan to finish the prep work and get it primed. The new bath also needs to be primed again because the alcoholic carpenter isn't good with sheet rock. He's had to re-mud and sand large parts of it. That means I get to prime it again before painting it again.
It was just Cori, Elvis, and me at the house most of yesterday. Beth was spending the night with a friend and left about noon. I haven't heard a word from her since then. I probably don't want to know what they were up to last night. I'm just glad the friend is going out of state to visit her dad Monday through Thursday and I don't have to worry about Beth then. Cori and I had a decent day. She was helpful with Elvis. However, due to a court order, her contact with anyone under 18 has to be supervised. Since I like being a teacher and foster parent, I take that supervision very seriously and was in the same room or the next room the whole time she was feeding or playing with him. We did get takeout for dinner. I'd not eaten all day and there was nothing in the house. We loaded up (I was in paint clothes. She was in pajamas. Elvis was the only one fully dressed in appropriate clothing.) and went through the Long John Silver's drive-thru. Big night out, huh? I can't remember the last time we went there. It's horribly bad for us and really expensive, but it was nice treat last night.
I did hear from Alli a couple of times yesterday. They'd been gone about 5 hours when I got a text thanking me for the condoms. Not having a clue of her tone in that (laughing, angry, annoyed?) I didn't respond. She texted Beth to tell her I hadn't responded but that they thought it was really funny. Evidently they'd blown a few of them up and left them at a rest area. I sure hope they know how to use them for their intended purpose and don't use them all to make balloon animals. She texted again a little before 8:00 PM and told me they'd gotten there safely. I thanked her and told her I loved her and missed her. She said she missed me, too. I replied "Yeah, right," and she again insisted she did and pointed out that she and I had never been away from each other this long. We had one more text exchange late last night. They'd gotten to the egg in the basket that contained a little cash and she was thanking me for it. I wonder if I'll hear from her today? I'm not planning to initiate any contact with her. They've gone to these drastic measures to get away from me/us. I don't want to intrude.
I am going to jack the Wii from Alli's room and hook it up in the den today. I still haven't tried the darn thing but it looks like fun. I have a friend whose 7 year old son is dying for a Wii. He's even saved enough money to buy one from a store but can't ever find one in stock. I thought I'd invite them over either Sunday or Monday to play. The little guy will love it and maybe I'll enjoy the company of his mom. I need a distraction.
It was just Cori, Elvis, and me at the house most of yesterday. Beth was spending the night with a friend and left about noon. I haven't heard a word from her since then. I probably don't want to know what they were up to last night. I'm just glad the friend is going out of state to visit her dad Monday through Thursday and I don't have to worry about Beth then. Cori and I had a decent day. She was helpful with Elvis. However, due to a court order, her contact with anyone under 18 has to be supervised. Since I like being a teacher and foster parent, I take that supervision very seriously and was in the same room or the next room the whole time she was feeding or playing with him. We did get takeout for dinner. I'd not eaten all day and there was nothing in the house. We loaded up (I was in paint clothes. She was in pajamas. Elvis was the only one fully dressed in appropriate clothing.) and went through the Long John Silver's drive-thru. Big night out, huh? I can't remember the last time we went there. It's horribly bad for us and really expensive, but it was nice treat last night.
I did hear from Alli a couple of times yesterday. They'd been gone about 5 hours when I got a text thanking me for the condoms. Not having a clue of her tone in that (laughing, angry, annoyed?) I didn't respond. She texted Beth to tell her I hadn't responded but that they thought it was really funny. Evidently they'd blown a few of them up and left them at a rest area. I sure hope they know how to use them for their intended purpose and don't use them all to make balloon animals. She texted again a little before 8:00 PM and told me they'd gotten there safely. I thanked her and told her I loved her and missed her. She said she missed me, too. I replied "Yeah, right," and she again insisted she did and pointed out that she and I had never been away from each other this long. We had one more text exchange late last night. They'd gotten to the egg in the basket that contained a little cash and she was thanking me for it. I wonder if I'll hear from her today? I'm not planning to initiate any contact with her. They've gone to these drastic measures to get away from me/us. I don't want to intrude.
I am going to jack the Wii from Alli's room and hook it up in the den today. I still haven't tried the darn thing but it looks like fun. I have a friend whose 7 year old son is dying for a Wii. He's even saved enough money to buy one from a store but can't ever find one in stock. I thought I'd invite them over either Sunday or Monday to play. The little guy will love it and maybe I'll enjoy the company of his mom. I need a distraction.
Friday, March 28, 2008
They are gone
At 6:40 this morning, a big piece of my heart drove away in a silver Mustang. Before she left she hugged me and told me not to cry. I told her to bite my big butt. Just like she could make the decision to run off and get married, I get to make the decision about how I spend my weekend. It's going to be a looooooooooong weekend at my house.
I did cave on my earlier decision not to give her an Easter basket. As they left, I handed them the biggest Easter basket I could find on clearance sale at Wal-Mart last night. It was filled to the brim with clearance plastic eggs....and EACH of those eggs contained a condom. Cori, Beth, Elvis and I will spend the weekend eating the candy that Alli and Boy Wonder thought I put in those eggs.
I am working on some plans to salvage the weekend. While we still have lots of work to do around the house, we need to have a little fun, too. The girls want to go buy "vacation food." (When we travel, to cut costs, we stay in hotels with microwaves so we don't have to eat out, thereby saving some money. To keep that from getting monotonous, we buy what has come to be known as vacation food to eat at hotels. These are things I'd never buy to eat at home - Easy Mac, ramen noodles, pizza rolls, ravioli, Hot Pockets, etc.) So, in between painting today, we'll run to the neighborhood store and load up on junk food. We're all hoping it makes the work a little more fun and takes our minds off what we are being excluded from at the beach...and the the simple fact that we aren't at the beach.
I did cave on my earlier decision not to give her an Easter basket. As they left, I handed them the biggest Easter basket I could find on clearance sale at Wal-Mart last night. It was filled to the brim with clearance plastic eggs....and EACH of those eggs contained a condom. Cori, Beth, Elvis and I will spend the weekend eating the candy that Alli and Boy Wonder thought I put in those eggs.
I am working on some plans to salvage the weekend. While we still have lots of work to do around the house, we need to have a little fun, too. The girls want to go buy "vacation food." (When we travel, to cut costs, we stay in hotels with microwaves so we don't have to eat out, thereby saving some money. To keep that from getting monotonous, we buy what has come to be known as vacation food to eat at hotels. These are things I'd never buy to eat at home - Easy Mac, ramen noodles, pizza rolls, ravioli, Hot Pockets, etc.) So, in between painting today, we'll run to the neighborhood store and load up on junk food. We're all hoping it makes the work a little more fun and takes our minds off what we are being excluded from at the beach...and the the simple fact that we aren't at the beach.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
12 hours
That's how long before Alli and Boy Wonder leave for the beach. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..." That's my only thought at the moment. Alli and I have actually had a good day. We got up, had breakfast together, and took Elvis to therapy. When we got back to town, we stopped at Wal-Mart to redeem her last WIC voucher and for me to buy some window shades.
I've gotten more info on the wedding today. She showed me the rings this morning. She tried on her dress for me this afternoon and had me pin the shoulder straps that were a little too long. She told me they have the marriage license form and that she put me down as her mom/next of kin. (I guess she shared that to reassure me a little.) She borrowed my suitcase. The ceremony is Sunday afternoon at 4:00 on the beach. I've helped her make a list of the little things that she's likely to forget to pack and we've rounded things up. This is sooo hard but I don't want to have any regrets. She can legally do this and I just have to deal with it. All in all, the day has gone well. Alli, following advice from the counselor last night, made a point to thank me for helping and told me she's enjoyed the day with me. Why this is so hard for us, I just don't know.
She has a friend lined up to watch Elvis the whole time they are gone but I'm not going to do that to him. I could be petty and refuse but that wouldn't be fair to him. He doesn't know Alli's friend well and he's not going to understand what's going on. He's going to spend the nights here and parts of the days with her friend. That will allow Beth and I to keep working on the house without having to stop and care for him constantly. My mom has offered to watch him a few hours at a time, too, so we have even more back up, if needed. (Elvis loves my mom.)
So, tomorrow morning, they are off. In the 5 years that Alli has lived with me, we've never been apart 5 days. I know, time for me to let her grow up. I'm working on it.
I've gotten more info on the wedding today. She showed me the rings this morning. She tried on her dress for me this afternoon and had me pin the shoulder straps that were a little too long. She told me they have the marriage license form and that she put me down as her mom/next of kin. (I guess she shared that to reassure me a little.) She borrowed my suitcase. The ceremony is Sunday afternoon at 4:00 on the beach. I've helped her make a list of the little things that she's likely to forget to pack and we've rounded things up. This is sooo hard but I don't want to have any regrets. She can legally do this and I just have to deal with it. All in all, the day has gone well. Alli, following advice from the counselor last night, made a point to thank me for helping and told me she's enjoyed the day with me. Why this is so hard for us, I just don't know.
She has a friend lined up to watch Elvis the whole time they are gone but I'm not going to do that to him. I could be petty and refuse but that wouldn't be fair to him. He doesn't know Alli's friend well and he's not going to understand what's going on. He's going to spend the nights here and parts of the days with her friend. That will allow Beth and I to keep working on the house without having to stop and care for him constantly. My mom has offered to watch him a few hours at a time, too, so we have even more back up, if needed. (Elvis loves my mom.)
So, tomorrow morning, they are off. In the 5 years that Alli has lived with me, we've never been apart 5 days. I know, time for me to let her grow up. I'm working on it.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Dehydrated
I've cried so much this evening, I think I'm dehydrated. My eyes are red and raw. My tongue is sticking to the roof of my mouth. Alli and I have finally talked. I feel better. She may feel worse. We'll see what tomorrow holds.
Beth had counseling this afternoon - her standing Wednesday afternoon appointment. It was almost time to go but Alli wasn't home and Beth had Elvis. I just left Beth at home with Elvis and took myself to her appointment. I started crying as soon as I made contact with the counselor. I stopped, for good, about 30 minutes ago. She met with me for an hour and a half. She felt Alli and I really needed to talk (duh) and decided to make it happen. She had me text Alli and ask her to meet me at her office at 7:00 tonight. Alli refused. After exchanging several more texts, I decided Alli wasn't going to change her mind and sent the counselor on to her dinner that she was already late for. I sat in her parking lot and continued texting Alli. She finally agreed to meet with us. I called the counselor's cell and got her voicemail. I left a message but didn't hear back from her. I knew who she was having dinner with so, I used my connections (my mom) and got the friend's cell number. She physically tracked down the counselor and she met us at her office at 7:30 PM. God bless her.
Things were awkward but we talked through several things. My biggest issue is still that I'm so insecure in my role as her mom when she has regular contact with her bio mom. Having only had one mom my whole life, I just don't see the need for two. We talked through her wedding plans and have agreed to disagree. She's getting married on Sunday. I'm spending Sunday lying across my bed crying. At least we each know where the other one stands. She's an adult and can make those decisions and I have the right to be hurt. We worked our way though several other things. We left a little before 9:00 PM. I'm exhausted - physically and emotionally.
And, to top everything else off...I've painted my bedroom booger green.
Beth had counseling this afternoon - her standing Wednesday afternoon appointment. It was almost time to go but Alli wasn't home and Beth had Elvis. I just left Beth at home with Elvis and took myself to her appointment. I started crying as soon as I made contact with the counselor. I stopped, for good, about 30 minutes ago. She met with me for an hour and a half. She felt Alli and I really needed to talk (duh) and decided to make it happen. She had me text Alli and ask her to meet me at her office at 7:00 tonight. Alli refused. After exchanging several more texts, I decided Alli wasn't going to change her mind and sent the counselor on to her dinner that she was already late for. I sat in her parking lot and continued texting Alli. She finally agreed to meet with us. I called the counselor's cell and got her voicemail. I left a message but didn't hear back from her. I knew who she was having dinner with so, I used my connections (my mom) and got the friend's cell number. She physically tracked down the counselor and she met us at her office at 7:30 PM. God bless her.
Things were awkward but we talked through several things. My biggest issue is still that I'm so insecure in my role as her mom when she has regular contact with her bio mom. Having only had one mom my whole life, I just don't see the need for two. We talked through her wedding plans and have agreed to disagree. She's getting married on Sunday. I'm spending Sunday lying across my bed crying. At least we each know where the other one stands. She's an adult and can make those decisions and I have the right to be hurt. We worked our way though several other things. We left a little before 9:00 PM. I'm exhausted - physically and emotionally.
And, to top everything else off...I've painted my bedroom booger green.
No families
We had a meeting today to update Cori's permanency plan. We had the meeting at the residential school for people with developmental disabilities where her sister (Twin A) lives. (As a side note, I got to see Deb while I was there. The worker was running late and we were waiting in the lobby. Deb walked by a couple of times and was quite happy to see me.) The worker finally arrived and Cori and I had to sit through the meeting for the sister. It didn't take long. We did Cori's meeting next. It didn't take long, either.
Her goal was changed from "adoption, family identified" to "adoption, family not yet identified" to reflect my decision not to adopt her. They are, no doubt, hoping to guilt me into adopting her. I just can't. I can't meet her needs and can't keep her safe (from herself). I'm NOT the best placement for this child. Me adopting her would get her off their list of waiting children but it would also finish me off - permanently! I just can't do it.
A few weeks back, Cori told me they'd held a selection, which is where the team reads over the home studies sent in for her and choose the best family for her. After the selection, they meet with the number one family and present her to them. They, after hearing her info, say yes or no to adopting. If they say yes, she starts transitioning to that home. If they say no, her info is presented to the number two family. Evidently all 3 families, after hearing her history, declined to take her.
So, here she is. She'll be 16 years old in a week. Her social history reads like a horror movie. Her behaviors are off the charts. I believe she has the ability to become violent. She must be supervised around anyone under 18. Where does she go from here? I was holding on by a thread, waiting for her to move to an adoptive placement. I just knew it was close. Now, not only is it not close, I'd guess it's even unlikely. Where do these kids live? How sad that there are situations like this.
Her goal was changed from "adoption, family identified" to "adoption, family not yet identified" to reflect my decision not to adopt her. They are, no doubt, hoping to guilt me into adopting her. I just can't. I can't meet her needs and can't keep her safe (from herself). I'm NOT the best placement for this child. Me adopting her would get her off their list of waiting children but it would also finish me off - permanently! I just can't do it.
A few weeks back, Cori told me they'd held a selection, which is where the team reads over the home studies sent in for her and choose the best family for her. After the selection, they meet with the number one family and present her to them. They, after hearing her info, say yes or no to adopting. If they say yes, she starts transitioning to that home. If they say no, her info is presented to the number two family. Evidently all 3 families, after hearing her history, declined to take her.
So, here she is. She'll be 16 years old in a week. Her social history reads like a horror movie. Her behaviors are off the charts. I believe she has the ability to become violent. She must be supervised around anyone under 18. Where does she go from here? I was holding on by a thread, waiting for her to move to an adoptive placement. I just knew it was close. Now, not only is it not close, I'd guess it's even unlikely. Where do these kids live? How sad that there are situations like this.
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