From out of nowhere

Just when things were settling in with Alli. She and Boy Wonder have been polite and actually join in a few family things these days. I actually enjoy having them around again after all those months of not enjoying her/them. I thought things were on their way up, hopefully to stay.

Then, WHAM! Last night. Boy Wonder's birthday. His party was here. Several members of his family came over to swim and picnic. That wasn't the problem. Elvis and I stayed inside. We weren't invited. I'm sure no one meant to exclude us. But no one thought to say, "Hey, come on out here" either. They likely just assumed I knew I was invited and maybe even thought I was being stuck up by not just coming out and joining them. That still isn't what bothered me.

I think it's the fact that there he was celebrating his birthday with his family and I didn't get to celebrate Alli's with her. I honestly thought I was over all that. Things have been really good around the house the last few weeks. I wasn't prepared for my reaction at all. I didn't even see it coming. It just whacked into me about 8:00 last night. I don't know why I let it bother me. I've been trying so hard to let it go. And, I really thought I had. I guess that's why when it did hit me, it hit so hard.

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to feel like this. I truly want to put all the crap behind me and move on. If you had asked me Monday, I'd have told you I had. Once I let that little bit of negative thinking surface, the rest of it comes rushing at me - all the lies she told me when she was going to her bio mom's, the things she lied about to hide from me (dropping out of school, the pregnancies), and, what I guess is really bothering me, what else has she lied to me about? She lied to me and hid those things from me so skillfully and without it even appearing to bother her.

And I just naively trusted her and believed her. What made me trust her so blindly? I was so gullible. And, now that I know what I know, how do I trust her again? I want to. I want to with all my heart. That's what unconditional love is all about. And I do love her unconditionally. I don't doubt that for a second because if I didn't, I'd have long since parted ways with her. That's what you usually do with people who hurt you this badly. You learn from the experience and move on.

I can't move on, though. I don't want to move on. She's my daughter - so much more than any of the other 30-odd kids placed here. I knew from early on that she was different - She was MINE. I've got to accept her, warts and all, as they say. She has to do the same thing with me. God knows, I'm so far from perfect I can't even begin to see it in the distance. The difference I see between us is that I go out of my way to do what's best for her and I've never made a decision without first analyzing how her best interest fit into that decision. And she has never once taken any one's best interest, except her own, into account when making a decision. I guess those differences are expected between mothers and daughters. However, by the time the daughter becomes an adult, you do expect a little more courtesy from said adult daughter. Again, I have to remember that Alli came from the system. She doesn't process things the same way I do.

In my head, I know why and I understand. My heart is really struggling with this, though. Until she came to me, no one had ever valued her. No one had ever mothered her. Even in her role as daughter to bio parents, she probably often felt used and was continually hurt by the decisions they made. Five years with me can't overcome that pattern. I guess that's the root of my hurt. I see her consistently slipping into the patterns she saw modeled her bio parents. It's the easy way out. And, she'll survive. It's just not the life I wanted for her. I wanted so much more than survival for her.

I guess this just boils down to me throwing a big old pity party for myself. I'm doubting myself. I'm doubting that I've been the least bit helpful in helping her grow into an adult. I know that's not the actual truth but it's how I feel sometimes. The problem is me. I'm letting that doubt creep back in. I'm letting myself believe all that. I've got to change my thinking and my reaction to her actions. I see all that. It's just hard to put it into action. I'm trying hard and I thought I'd climbed out of that valley of self-doubt. However, I let myself take a free-fall right back down last night.

I will finish up my pity party tonight and I'll get up in the morning and start working my way back towards the top of the mountain where the view is good and the air is pure - and free from loathing and self-doubt. I'm worth it. Alli's worth it. My relationship with Alli is really worth it. Hell, even Boy Wonder is worth it. (I find myself really liking him, despite my past determination to believe he is the root of all evil in my life. He's really not!)

Just call me Scarlett, because "After all, tomorrow is another day."

Okay, pity party over. It's almost 8:00 PM and Elvis and I are headed for bed. He was being a little toot last night and refused to eat supper. He woke up at 5:00 this morning absolutely starving! I fed him and he dozed for about 30 minutes at 8:00. Other than that, he's been awake all day. We both have. And, I'm old and the sleep deprivation is catching up with me.