Sometimes it's all I can do...

just to live my life. Blogging about it can be too hard. This is one of those times. I've put it off but need to get it off my chest now. Perhaps typing it will help me let go of the anger.

Alli and Boy Wonder left at 4:00 this morning for the beach. Why does this anger me? First, they didn't even tell me that they were going until Thursday afternoon. (And, she didn't actually tell me. She texted me. This was the entire message: "I think we are leaving for the beach Saturday." That's all.) Second, Elvis did not go with them. Third, Alli's birthday is Monday and they'll be gone for it.

So, here I sit. I have Elvis full-time. (That's not horrible. I was really concerned they would treat him badly while they were gone. However, it really ties me down.) I hate knowing they've had this planned for two weeks and I get less than two days notice. Those things annoy me but it's not what makes me so upset. It's the part about missing her birthday that really makes me sad.

Birthdays are a BIG thing around here. Alli and Beth both have birthdays in early June and we started making plans in late April. Per their request, each girl was to have her own pool party on or near her actual birthday. In the days between them, they were going to have a joint party for any bio family members they wanted to invite. (Both are having significant birthdays this year - 18 and 21. I just seemed to be the thing to do.) Anyway, they scoured the Oriental Trading catalog and chose assorted decorations/novelties/junk to go with a luau theme to be used for all 3 parties. Now, there is no Alli. I know she's an adult and can decide what to do on her birthday but she should have given me more notice. Letting me plan and order all that crap for a party she wasn't going to attend was just the icing on the cake for my relationship with her lately.

She has not attended even ONE family event since Boy Wonder joined our lives. No Easter, no Memorial Day. She was here on Mother's Day but stayed inside with BW's family while all the rest of us were outside. Immediately after eating, she left to go to his mom's house for the rest of the day. She's made a point (extreme points) to exclude me from any type of celebrations - her wedding and now her 21st birthday. However, I'm fully expected to pitch in with any difficulties - illnesses, hospitalizations, keeping Elvis a lot. Having her cake and eating it, too, so to speak.

I'm done. As of right now, I'm planning to ignore her birthday all together. If she says anything, I'll simply remind her she chose not to be here for it. We'll continue with plans for Beth's birthday (as well as my brother's and aunt's). The bio family party will not happen. (Beth wasn't really excited about that anyway. I feel abused enough without doing something I know will cause me more pain.) So, I'm taking a stand on this one. It's about time. I feel a little immature and childish but that's where I am right now.

And, oh yeah, the doctor fully expects her to miscarry this bizarre pregnancy this week. I haven't experienced that myself but I wouldn't expect it to be fun, even at the beach.

Alli and Beth's doctor visits

Alli went back Tuesday for more blood work. They called her Wednesday afternoon and told her that her beta level was extremely high and she needed to come back in Thursday for another ultrasound. I asked her what that meant and she said, "I don't know." Way to ask the doctor for information about your health, honey.

Today, after the doctor's appointment, she called and said they couldn't find the embryo. It wasn't in her uterus or either tube. WTH? Her blood work still indicates she's pregnant. They just don't know where the baby is. The doctor did say there is a small chance it's a normal pregnancy. However, he strongly feels she'll miscarry in the coming week. He wants her to come back next Thursday for another ultrasound. At that point, if no baby is seen, he'd like to do a D&C but that it would be her choice.

Yesterday, the physician's assistant at Beth's doctor's office turned in a stunning performance. He looked to be about 15. (Does that mean I'm old when I refer to young medical professionals as infants?) Anyway, when the nurse asked why we were there, we pointed out the ominous rash on her legs and told her that she'd gone fishing in the woods and now looked like this. When the newborn fake doctor came in, he spent 30 seconds looking at her legs and feet before giving us this diagnosis...are you ready?... He said, "Looks like you got into something while you were fishing." Yep, that's what she's got. Something she got into while fishing. Like we didn't know that before the appointment. Thanks, Doogie. He gave her oral steroids and a cortisone cream and said to come back if it wasn't better in a few days.

No more pencils, no more books....

No more students' goofy looks! LOL! Okay, so that's not how the rhyme originally goes. Everything is different from the teacher's perspective. Today was our last day of school. The teachers worked a half-day. The kids just had to stay long enough to pick up their report cards. I like these days (and not just because it's the last day of the school year). We are all (grades k-2) in our school cafeteria. Our students from this year stop by and pick up their belongings and say goodbye. We also, however, see our former students. It's nice to check in with them, too.

After the kids had come and gone, we had to stay until 11:30. The office staff called us by grade level and turn in our records and other items for storage over the summer. After that, we just sat around talking to other teachers.

I'm home now, waiting for Round 2 of today to start. Beth has a doctor's appointment at 1:30. She has poison ivy/oak on her legs from an ill-fated fishing trip. We've been treating it with over the counter medicine but it's still itching and spreading. Obviously time to get professional help. Something nasty must be going around, though. When I called for the appointment, I was #9 in line to have my call answered. When they got to me, the only doctor in our favorite office was already booked for the day. They do have a new physician assistant there this afternoon, so I agreed to take an appointment with him. Surely he can treat this stuff. After that appointment, Beth wants her hair cut. I have counseling at 3. She has an appointment at 4. After that, I'm sure she'll go to church with a friend. I'm planning to come home and pass out.

We've had a bit of drama around here this weekend and into the week. I honestly slept NONE last night. I'm hoping to stay awake until we've finished what we need to do and then I'm out for the night. I really don't care what the kids get into tonight.

Tomorrow is an exciting day for us...Elvis gets his new wheelchair! Odd things excite me these days. I can't wait!

Good day

Our Memorial Day plans didn't go exactly as planned but, from my viewpoint, everyone had a good day. First, I had NONE of my kids present at our gathering. Alli and Elvis went with Boy Wonder to his mom's house. Beth was running around with her friend. She was in and out but didn't eat or play with us. Instead, I spent the day with friends and their families (plus my mom and nephew). We had a total of 13 people here most of the afternoon/evening plus Beth and her friend who came and went. The ages ranged from OLD (older than me, anyway) down to 7. A variety of special needs were represented. Everyone got along well.

Our original plan was swimming at 1:00 and grilling at 4:00. The weather didn't cooperate much. There was quite a bit of swimming until the thunderstorm hit us from no where. It was honestly sunny and bright one minute and dark and menacing the next. We piled everyone into the den and watched Nancy Drew on DVD. I would never have thought that would have gone as well as it did. Other than some impressive lightning and winds that knocked the power out 3 separate time, things went well. Sadly, it continued raining most of the rest of the evening. The kids did get to swim a bit more before leaving. The food was good. The company was pleasant. Great day!

I got to see Cori for a minute today, too. I was supposed to go to her foster mother's daughter's house and drop her stuff off. However, I kept putting it off, hoping the rain would stop. Finally, Cori called and asked if the foster mother's daughter-in-law could bring her by to get it. I said sure and they came right over. She took the stuff I'd packed and grabbed a few more things, too. There is still a lot here but she has what she really needs. I'll drive the rest over to her this week. She was sad but pleasant. After she got everything, she hugged me and told me she missed us. I assured her we missed her, too. I do hope we'll be allowed to stay in touch. She's part of my family in every way but legally.

I keep forgetting I have to work tomorrow. I can only remember one or two other times (since childhood) that we've gone to school after Memorial Day. Of course, it's just tomorrow and half a day Wednesday. I think I'll survive! I hope so, anyway.

Amazon.com knows me well

I got an email from them today with recommendations of things they think I would like. Here are the top 5 items from the list:

1. Kotex Security tampons
2. A kids' book called "Kindergarten Rocks!"
3. The DVD of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
4. "An Unlit Path" (a book about foster care and adoption)
5. "Cerebral Palsy: A Complete Guide for Caregiving"

How odd. They are right. Those are all things I would like. Have fostered 25 or so teen girls in the last 10 years, I've bought enough tampons that I should own stock in the company by now. I teach Kindergarten, so #2 was right up my alley. I'm currently reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (but I don't have to buy the DVD because I borrowed it from a friend - Thanks, K.). I'm always up for a good book about other people's fostering/adoption experiences. And, Elvis has big-time CP so #5 also applies. Wow! I think amazon.com knows my better than my kids do.

Okay, no Cori today

But at least they called and I didn't have to drive to a far away county with gas approaching $4 a gallon for nothing. Cori called early this morning and left the message that they had to be somewhere at 3:00 this afternoon so not to come. They will be in my town tomorrow for to visit the foster mom's daughter, so I can just take the stuff to them there, saving me from a lot of expensive driving. I'm good with that.

Of course, this also allows me to put off packing her stuff up. Her room is FULL of things. I have to go through everything to weed out the contraband items. I'm ready to get it done. I just haven't had the heart to spend the time to do it. It will wait until tonight, I guess.

Beth has friends coming over to swim tonight. I don't mind them coming but I do dread it a bit. Groups of teenagers tend to get stupid in a pool. I worry about someone getting hurt. On the plus side, Beth is busily cleaning the house today in anticipation of their arrival. So, I guess a few hours of supervising wild kids in the pool is well worth the clean house.

I'm seeing Cori today

She's been gone since April 30 and I still have almost all her stuff. I hurriedly packed a bag of clothes when she went into the hospital. When she got out, I hurriedly packed another bag of warm weather clothes to send to her new foster home. Almost a month later, everything else is still here. Her worker has emailed and called a time or two asking when she can pick the stuff up. I tell her and then she has something else come up that needs immediate attention. I'm not complaining about the worker. She's one of the best our county has. However, she spends most of her days putting out fires. Transporting the belongings of a child who was moved almost a month ago doesn't rank very high on her list of impending explosions. So, I offered to fill the back of my van and take as much as I could.

Cori called Friday night but I missed it in all the chaos of our evening. She called again last night and I did talk to her. She was okay with me bringing her stuff. So, I'll spend the morning packing and loading what I can. She told me where to start - with the stuff she needs right away. Her foster mother said to bring it at 3:00 this afternoon. This foster mom is notoriously hard to deal with. I'm totally expecting them not to be home when I get there, even though she picked the time. If they are not, I'll just stack the stuff neatly on the porch and move on.

Cori sounded good. She lived in this home for about 6 months a couple of years ago. She has friends there still. She likes the woman's church and her extended family. She was generally positive. She has a friend spending the night tonight and they are going to a family cook out tomorrow. She did get a little teary on the phone, saying she was so sorry she'd pushed everyone away. I take that as progress, though, because it's the first time I've ever heard her admit that she had pushed anyone away. Perhaps she's catching on. Perhaps they have her with a good counselor who can help her understand what's going on and why. She's a bright kid with a horrible past. I hope they can help her get going in the right direction. She's capable of big things...I just hope they are good big things and not bad.

The endless Friday night

Due to a scheduling issue, I was on Elvis-duty last night. I didn't mind and was glad to do it. Alli and Beth's bio cousin (Cousin It) was graduating from high school at a large school in the north end of our county. Beth wanted to go. Boy Wonder's younger brother was graduating from a rural high school at the other end of the county. Obviously, Alli and Boy Wonder needed to attend that ceremony. Elvis and I hung out at the house. He was tired and cranky so after reading his favorite books, we both got into our jammies and snuggled up in my bed about 9:00. He was knocked out by about 9:05.

Alli and Boy Wonder arrived home about 9:35. They brought with them many, many members of BW's family. They came to swim. At almost 10:00 PM. In our pool that backs up to two houses occupied by elderly people. I hid in my room as I wasn't dressed. I did text Alli to have her keep reminding the swimmers that old people were sleeping right by our pool. They were still incredibly loud. I could hear them in my room (other end and opposite side of the house). They finally left about 10:30 and I asked Alli to get Elvis by 11:00. She said she was going to get something to eat and would be right back. They left to make a "run for the border," leaving me with the sleeping Elvis in my bed.

They got home right at 11 but hadn't eaten yet. She finally came and got him about 11:20. I settled in with a book I've been wanting to read. At midnight, I hear Elvis screaming. Something has woken him up. Instead of staying in their part of the house (bothering BW) she's brought him into our part of the house (bothering me). She got him quiet and put him on Beth's bed (unoccupied because Beth was spending the night with a friend). She LEFT HIM THERE watching a DVD and returned to her room, promising not to fall asleep before getting him. I shut my door, not wanting to be a party to her neglect. At 2:30, I woke up to more Elvis screaming. He was still alone in Beth's room. I called Alli. No answer. My call did wake her up and she eventually came to him. I shut my door and went back to bed. She slept in Beth's room with him the rest of the night.

This morning at 5, the dog woke me up. He was aggravated at being trapped in my room by my shut door. I got up and let him out. I'd just drifted back to sleep when I heard the front door open. Alli's bio mom was letting herself into MY house to drop off Little Sister! I'm assuming she'd called Alli's cell and Alli (answering the cell I pay for when her bio mom calls but not when I do) had gotten up and unlocked the door for her. Instead of waiting at the door to get Little Sister, she'd headed back to bed and given bio mom instructions to just come in and bring Little Sister to her room. (Violated is the best word for how I feel on that one.)

So, after sleeping 3.5 hours on Thursday night and about 4 hours Friday night, I got to face the day with Little Sister and Alli's constant references to "Momma." Not good. Not good at all. I did hang around the house this morning. I napped a little around lunch time and then took off. I ended up going to my classroom but not doing anything productive. I'd taken a Gilmore Girls DVD and sat at my desk and watched it. Not anything I needed to do but on some levels, it was exactly what I needed. ESCAPE!

I've mellowed and I'm home now. I've been home for almost 20 minutes and the entire time, Elvis has been on my bed screaming. Alli hasn't checked on him once. He was screaming when I walked in the door so I have no clue how long it's been going on. Mother of the Year, huh? I'm off to snuggle with him and see what's up. Bless his little heart!

Emotionally raw

Alli and Beth's little sister (almost 6, living with their bio mom) is coming to spend the day with us tomorrow. She's done it a few times before. It's never really bothered me before. For whatever reason, I'm having a really hard time with this visit. Hard enough that I'm actually planning to go to school and work in my classroom, just to have an excuse to not be here.

Why these feelings? Why this time and not the others? I don't know. I've had limited contact with the girls' bio mom over the years. Alli, in particular, seemed to have a lot of anger directed at bio mom. Then, just over a year ago, they became best friends. This hurt my feelings horribly but I dealt with it as best I could. I didn't have any direct contact with bio mom but hearing Alli say, "Mom says this..." or "Mom did that.." was like a knife straight to my heart. Sometime over the previous four years, I'd let myself believe that I'd become her mom. Reality bites. However, we drifted along in semi-peace. My feelings were hurt on numerous occasions but I kept quiet and moved on.

Then came Blair. Suddenly the absent bio mom was at the hospital, playing the role of dedicated mom and grandmother-to-be. She even dared to thank me for being there for her girls when she couldn't. If she's just stopped there... Instead, she continued by telling me that she had her life together now and she was ready to be their mom again. To say my feelings were hurt would be a huge understatement. I never told either girl about the conversation. I didn't see the point.

The whole hospitalization resulting in Blair's birth and death was the hardest thing I've ever been through. I stayed awake for well over 60 hours before falling asleep on the tile floor of her hospital room. I anticipated and tended to her every need. I held her hand while she delivered her daughter. I held Baby Blair while she died. Alli's first words to me after the nurses took Blair to clean her up? "Will you call my momma?" I'm surprised I was still breathing after that. I did as I was asked, though.

In the months since, every time I hear Alli say "momma" it's caused me a little more pain each time. That woman is soooooo far from my definition of a mom. Moms can't just be moms when it's convenient. Moms can't say that they don't feel like taking care of their kids. Moms can't put their own needs before the needs of their kids. At least that is what I've always believed. And now, I know I was wrong.

No matter what I do for Alli -No matter what I give to Alli - No matter how often or how much I help Alli, I will never be her mom. And that hurts like you would never believe. When she texted me yesterday that she was watching Little Sister on Saturday, I started crying. Today, she was telling me, "Momma says (Little Sister) is so excited to come tomorrow." I realized by reaction to that statement that I needed to not be here tomorrow.

So, I'm letting myself be chased from my own house tomorrow. I'm a little angry and bitter but feel it's the best decision for ME. Maybe it's time to take my needs into consideration a little more often. I need to stop putting myself into the position to get hurt and used.

Okay, my whiny, sniveling little "momma-rant" is over. Again, some days this parenting stuff (even my obviously fake-parenting stuff) just STINKS. I'm off to snuggle with Elvis and read him as many books as he wants. At least he's happy to see me most days.

Peace. (God knows I need some peace in my life.)

I touched on it briefly in the meme...

But, here is more detail of my recent piss-off point with one of my kids. Alli, who just delivered a 21-week baby in January, is pregnant again. The doctor told her to wait 3-6 cycles before getting pregnant again. She waited one. She didn't even tell me she was pregnant - Boy Wonder did. And he was excited about it. I, the voice of doom and gloom (also known as reality), was shocked and saddened by this turn. All I want is Alli to be healthy and get some education. This was certainly not a step in what I consider the right direction.

She went to the doctor last Thursday. The pg test was positive but they couldn't find the embryo on the ultrasound. They drew blood and scheduled her another appointment in a month. They called back later and said her pg hormone was low and she needed to come back in for more blood work. She went back Tuesday and they told her if this test was lower, she was definitely going to miscarry. They called her back yesterday and told her the level had risen. They had her come back in today for another ultrasound. The result? Ectopic pregnancy.

They haven't scheduled the surgery yet but that is the plan. She goes back for more blood work on Tuesday and I guess they will schedule it then. Despair. Shock. Hurt. Even anger. I don't know what to do with these feelings. In the end, there is nothing I can do. She is an adult and can do as she damn well pleases. I just wanted so much more for her. Am I bad person for that? The first 15 years of her life were full of hurt and disappointment. I really thought the last 5 could turn that around. I thought I could just love her enough and help her make the rest of her life a little easier. Evidently not. She seems so angry AT ME, for whatever reason. This is so hard to deal with.

The only good news in my life right now? Today was the last day of school with the kids there. I have administrative days tomorrow and Tuesday. The kids come back Wednesday for report cards. Come on, summer! I need you!